Spincity HELL

Okay so I finally got the balls to go to a Spin class at my gym. Before you think I'm being a ninny I would like to remind you that the Danish are known for the massive amounts of people who ride bikes on a daily basis. 48% of Dane's ride their bike to work. Another 20ish% walk. These people are fit and they do not mess around when it comes to bikes. Recently I have seen people biking in blizzard conditions with like two children on the same bike and a basket built for four. I'm not kidding these people are basically morphing into the missing link between man and machine.

Okay so let's face it. I just don't fit the physical profile of the average Dane. Not only do I not fit the physical profile I do not have the athleticism or stamina that they do. We can blame this on my asthma, beer or trips to Christiana. Regardless I am no Dane.

Okay so I go to spin class. This is what this is about. Self improvement. I will forever never compare myself to a Dane again. After this story. So I walk in and feel a bit better because there's several middle aged women (Who am I kidding, they could probably drive their granny bikes over me and or drag me on a weighted down sled behind their super-cross highly efficient bikes). My first problem was that I couldn't clip in the shoes I rented. While everyone else is warming up I'm struggling to stay atop and in control of my "Body Bike" and simultaneously clip in my shoes. Turns out the slide in from the inside...not the outside. It's not magic it's super efficiently highly impressive Danish Design. Right down to the foot petals on your "Body Bike."

So I'm clipped in and the musics pumping. Our instructor is a mix of Lance Armstrong and Teddy Brewski. He starts encouraging everyone in class. I will at this point give him credit for easing in on us. I will remind the reader the only words I know in Danish are beer and cheers... I have no idea what this man is say. Naturally I follow the lead of all the other "Body Bikers" and keep turning the resistance on my bike. My legs are burning off. I have forgotten about the blizzard-like conditions outside and in south of the border. We have sat up and down on or "Body Bikes" at least a 1,000 times. The lights have now been dimmed, the techno turned up and our instructor is mad. The only words I understand are PUMP PUMP PUMP and I am PUMPING as hard as I can. I am sweating like a Ban-chi. I look the man in the left of me and he is out to lunch. His fruity flowered sweatband is as dry as a whistle and he has a strange grimace on his face. His legs are the size of my rib cage. I am totally out of my league. We're, and I joke not about such matters, 10 minutes in the 60 minute class. If I was more confident in my ability to un-clip my "Body Bike Shoes" I would abort this spinning class from hell.

By the end of the class our instructor was off his bike and walking around to "Pump people up." Or so I assume. For all I know he could have been singing Marvin Gaye tunes or telling knock knock jokes. I the case of either examples I have totally miss-judged Danish body language...which would explain why I have, after a week at the gym, not found my long lost Danish hubby-to-be. So Instructor get's to my "Body Bike" and is yelling at me "Extremely encouraging phrases." I had all I could do no to bunny hop my entire "Body Bike" out of Palmfitness and back to my apartment. Instead I petaled like a road runner closed my eyes and appreciated the familiar sound of the Du Hast Super Mix.

The class ends and I feel like a champion. I still haven't out smarted the "Body Bike" or the "Body Bike Shoes" and am yet again behind as the class files out. Just me and Instructor. He asks something in Danish and I laugh. He laughs back. I mutter "I'm stuck." He says "You don't speak Danish?" I reply "No, No I don't. I hope I didn't miss anything important." He says "I hope I didn't frighten you" chuckles at himself tells me to slide my feet in and walks out while I am still attached to my "Body Bike"...I do so and like magic I am out of my "Body Bike" and happily retreating to the water fountain.

I think if I can walk tomorrow I will go again. This time I might either A. Ask for English translation, but only when directly being spoken to or B. Hope to god it's a different Instructor and out smart my shoes while trying to blend in with a group of psycho-semi professional-road stars.